Dust in the Wind

I'm 9 years old.

My 15 year old uncle and I are in cahoots against my 7 year old sister again. We are playing hide and go seek inside my grandma and grandpa's house, because it's storming outside, and little sis hides in the hall closet. Uncle and I think it would be funny to make her think that there's a tornado. We are ornery kids, after all. We pound on the door and yell, "Oh no! The twister has got me!" between stifled giggles. Grandma puts a stop to it and opens the door for my shaken up little sis. Uncle just flashes me his handsome grin and I hold back a laugh so I don't get my butt whooped. Sis and I run off to dance to Sweatin to the Oldies again. My 2 year old brother runs through the living room and Uncle scoops him up in the air narrowly missing the ceiling fan. Little brother likes to shadow Uncle while we are here. He looks up to him. We all do. Later on, maybe a few days, maybe a few weeks, my 9 year old cousin and I give our uncle some of his own good natured teasing. He's on the phone with a girl and, as he stretches the cord as far as it will reach so he can close the door to the sun porch, we sing about him sitting in a tree-K-I-S-S-I-N-G. We run away laughing as little girls do, knowing that uncle will be off the phone soon and he will take us to pick clover flowers to eat and to play on the chat pile behind the house later.

These are some of the few precious memories that I have of my dear uncle. You see, later that year, while he was still just a 15 year old kid that had barely begun to experience life, he died. My handsome uncle took his own life. That was one of the most devastating experiences of my young life. It continues to be today as the years have worn on. This year has been 25 years since his death. Some days, I still feel it as if it were yesterday. I remember answering the phone to my panicked aunt. I remember the freshly showered smell when my dad hugged me before they rushed to the hospital. We had been getting ready to leave for somewhere. I remember the words said by my parents as they tried to make sense of what was happening.  I remember playing Mario Bros. through streaming tears cause my other grandma was just trying to get me to take my mind of the fear that I had lost one of the people I admired and looked up to most in the world. I remember the overwhelming sadness and guilt left behind with my family members. I remember the funeral and my great grandma's need to know that his feet were warm with socks on. I remember the fried chicken in the family room and standing on the porch of the funeral home with my dad and asking him if Uncle was in heaven now. I remember the songs. To this day, I still can not hear "Dust in the Wind" without crying. I remember the outpouring of students that came from the local high school. I remember thinking that there were a lot of people that loved my uncle.

There's a question that lingers though. A memory that I don't have a complete answer for. I remember wondering, as a child does, "If so many people loved my uncle like I did, why did he feel so alone that he saw no other way out?" Maybe you think that's a deep question for a 9 year old. Well, grief can grow you a little faster than you want sometimes. Now, when I was still a child, the question was a fleeting one to me. One that gnawed at the back of my mind occasionally in quiet moments or on stormy days when I would remember our twister prank. As I became a teenager, there were times when I understood. I would be so blinded by my own raging emotions and hormones that I would forget about those who loved me. All I could focus on was the pain. As I've grown into an adult, I have had my own struggles with anxiety and depression. Honestly, I credit my uncle for my awareness to the hurt that suicide leaves behind. Had I not had that life altering experience, I can't really say my thoughts of that escape at times in the past wouldn't have become actions. I can say, that I know from first hand experience that depression and anxiety can be crippling. It clouds your mind. It lies to you and fogs the truth. It sucks life from you in very real ways when left unchecked.  I've learned that you can be truly, unconditionally loved by people and still feel desperately ALONE. Depression is a black cloud that hides all of the good behind it.

The truth is, there is help. There are medications. There are support groups. There are phenomenal organizations to bring awareness to this epidemic. Most importantly, there is YOU! Get involved in the lives of those you love. Make yourself available and reach out your hand. Don't just say you're there. Take action! Most of us that are suffering depression won't ask for help while we are in the depth of it. However, we most definitely want someone to see our hurt and step in to pick us up cause we can't stand on our own anymore in that moment. Know the signs of depression and the warning signs of being suicidal. TALK. LOVE. BE A LIGHT IN SOMEONE'S DARKNESS. And if you are the one suffering, DON'T GIVE UP! Just keep going! Your story is not over;


September 10th is suicide awareness day.
Song of the Day:
Dust in the Wind by Kansas